I’m in a bit of crisis here. Whatevs. It happens. Anyway, when I was walking to my car this evening I noticed the cops were waiting outside of “Creepy Guys” house. This is a guy that goes out at noon and lays in his driveway with what looks like undies on. I tried to get a picture once only to notice that he was staring right at me.
That’s not the point of this post.
Anyway, as I was driving home after staring at this spectacle, it dawned on me that my life is totally some bullshit TV drama. In no particular order, this is what the last few months have looked like for me:
- My dog is dying. But, he’s taking his dear sweet time and costing me an arm and leg while doing it. (Sidenote: He’s completely off the chain. Stealing food. Digging in the trash. Humping legs. Go Gio…If I knew that my time was up, I would be doing the same thing.)
- I’m broke. See above.
- I had to have a lawyer send a cease and desist order to an ex. (Sidenote: I know you’re reading. Fuck you!!!)
- I went to the hospital with panic attacks.
- Friday and Sunday there was a peeping tom in my neighborhood. At my windows. I’ve since had to put foil over my kitchen window. The cops chased him and everything. They didn’t catch him.
- Oddly, the description of said peeping tom fits my new neighbor that is 3 houses down. He is creepy and knocked on my neighbors door at 7 am. To walk her dog. Yeah. He tried to chat me up, but I pretty much picked up Gio and ran.I no longer walk that way.
- I’ve been doing work on a side project. He was supposed to mail me a check and didn’t. (He paid the last time.) I’m also creeped out that he knows where I live, but I know his ex and have run with her.
- The house around the corner from me was busted selling drugs. Also, someone is selling drugs in my old building.. (Which is across the street and 3 houses down.)
- My mom is marrying someone that I call the Decepticon. (For serious, y’all.)
- I drink way too much.
- My creepy fucking neighbor is just being creepy. (AKA Fatkid.)
- All of my other neighbors are at war with each other. My neighborhood is sooooo gay.
- I’m trying to drink green smoothies and they totally make my stomach do horrible stuff and I don’t always have access to a bathroom. I make up excuses to leave my very, very small office.
- Since I work one on one with my boss, we are both in the batshit crazy wormhole.
- I’m taking 4 classes this semester. Yeah. Sit and simmer on that for a bit.
- My kitchen is being overtaken by ants. (Totally makes me think of One Hundred Years of Solitude.)
- I got a booty call from a guy that I met on NYE. At 5 am. He was semi-cute when I was drunk, but not cute enough for a 5 am booty call.
- My other neighbor (whom I love) is going on awesome gay adventures and loves to tell me about them. The stories are tv show worthy!
- My list for Things to Do 2011, includes “Be A Hottie Again”. There is then a breakdown of how to make that happen.
- My weirdo, raw foodist ex keeps popping up. Dude is WEIRD.
Seriously…I would watch this show. It would be the best show on tv if it weren’t my fucking life. I wonder what it would be called. Any ideas?