Due to popular demand (that totally means 2 people on Twitter), I’ve been asked to dish the details of my wonderful first date last night. So, pull up a chair, grab a drink, and lets get to it.
Duue to being a glutton for punishment, I decided to sign up for OkCupid again. Of all of the sites I’ve been on, I seem to have the most luck there. (Meaning: The men are far more literate and I don’t roll my eyes anywhere near as much on this site.) Once I got my profile up, I was contacted by a guy. He seemed semi-sane, had a humouros profile, and could write in complete sentences without LOL speak. I hate LOL speak. OK. Time for a HUGE disclaimer here: This guy is nowhere near the type of guy I usually go out with. But, I’m trying to expand my horizons. Pretty much if they’re nice, sane, etc I’ll give them a shot.
We exchanged witty emails back and forth for about a week or so and decided to meet up. While we were chatting on IM to set everything up a few red flags popped up. First, he tells me that he plays Magic the Gathering….Ruh oh! I didn’t even know that shit was still around. Who the hell plays that? Dude does tournaments and stuff. I decide to stop being a bitch and keep chatting. Everyone needs a hobby.
He then tells me that he loves LOL cats. I hate those things with a passion. In telling me that he also uses the word “macho”. Hold the fuck up! No one that plays Magic the Gathering can use the word “macho”. And ewwww….macho. Bleh. The final straw was when I told him I had to go do something he said, “Get to it, Little Lady.” As we all know I am a feminazi bitch. I do not like being called Little Lady. Period. Also a bit off putting is the fact that women put testimonials on his profile. Something about that struck me as odd. Why would anyone do that? If you’re that great/hot/nice, why wouldn’t you be together. Weird. I should’ve called the whole thing off then, but I figured I could at least get some food out of it.
It turns out that we’re going to meet at Pannera. I’ve never been there and would much rather head out for sushi, pizza, tacos, or coffee at one of our cute indie shops around here. He chooses Pannera. Whatever.
The day of the date, I take a shower and get all nice and cute. I wear a little v-neck t-shirt and my military looking jackeet. I was kind of rocking a little rockabilly style tossed in with hippie chic. (That is how I roll bitches!) My hair was doing amazing things, yet I’m super casual. Since I’m going to Pannera.
When I pull up, I see him across the parking lot. He’s got a blonde gross ponytail and a heinous goatee. Ew. And…wtf is he wearing? All black with some weird redshirt underneath. All completely odd fitting and shoes that are possibly bowling shoes. Who the hell wears bowling shoes? I call the entire outfit a wizard suit. It’s just what it reminded me of. I’m not super into clothes, but this was heinous.
Once inside he gets himself water and offers me nothing at all. I have no problem paying for my own food, but…he didn’t even buy himself food. WTF?!?!?! I order a smoothie since it’s fast and I might need to make a clean escape.
We sit down and I ask him, “So, what’s up?”. Biggest. Mistake. Ever. I get 15 minutes explaining why he’s broke (thus the ordering of water) and then another 10 minutes about some chick who’s house he was staying at or something and she freaked out on him. Wow do I not care. I asked what’s up more in the…so, what’s up sense. As in how’s your day.
He asked about my travels and then told me he’s never been out of Florida. Really? Wow, I’d never guess that. I then decide that I really need to shake this guy. I decide to tell a bunch of my heinous drunking stories. Seriously, I’d never go out with a guy that does the type of shit I’ve done while drunk in the last year. (See: Fall in Peru, fall in New York, the Animal Collective Concert, and the Tater Tot incident.) Sadly, I think that made him like me more. Either way, I was planning my escape.
I finally use Gio as an excuse to leave. Something about him needing to be walked. After hugging me (ew!), we get to my car and he explains that he has to drive to Jupiter (that’s a city non Floridians) that night unless he finds somewhere else to “crash”. (He has a super long commute to work, which is about 20 minutes from where I live.) Fortunately, it was only around 8:45, so I was like you have plenty of time to make it to Jupiter. Then I peaced the fuck outta there. Squealing tires and everything.
I haven’t heard from him today and I am quite glad. I am going to go back to being a picky bitch. At least the men were hot and could afford their own dinner. (I’m not even concerned with mine!)