The Adventures of GeekGirl

For me, there were a couple of moments. The first was last Tuesday. I was going into Petsmart to get Willow some dog food/blow my whole paycheck on shit she doesn’t need. Like a hat. (They didn’t have any in her size. Yet.)

Anyway, I realized I needed a basket since I was going to be getting her huge bag of dog food and went back to the front to grab a basket. Once I got it, I caught a glimpse of myself on the security monitor.

What I saw was pretty horrifying. A youngish looking woman with pants and a shirt that were too tight. Her thighs were ginormous and she looked puffy and uncomfortable. Even the color of my skin looked off. (Though now that I think of it, the picture might have been in black and white.) Even my wonderfully curly hair looked bad.

I was a hot, fucking mess. I don’t do hot, fucking mess. My look is casually cute. You know. Beachy, geeky chic. Flip flops, quirky shirts, cute yet expensive jeans. Hot purses. But none of it over done.

The next moment was at the doctors office. I had to go in for my third visit to find out the status of my girly parts. Of course, I had to hop on the scale. I knew what the number was going to be, but seeing it there in the office and the look the nurse gave me almost made me cry.

I am officially “overweight”. Not by a lot, but still I’m overweight.

I don’t want to hear any of that health at any size bullshit, or that the charts are wrong. I’m fat. Period. No ifs, ands, or buts about it and I don’t fucking like it.

Freaking Out

So, what do I go do about all of this? I go home and freak the fuck out. How the fuck does someone lose 20-30 lbs? Is that even possible? Does it take years? Is this what going into my 40′s is going to be like?

It was one big, huge temper tantrum done while cramming a bottle of wine in my face to wash down the Reese’s Minis that were supposed to make me feel better about my fatness. Uhm?  Hmmm…

Getting a REAL Plan

I’ve yapped about losing weight before here. In general I know what to do to drop weight, but that’s always been 5 lbs or so. Not a significant amount of weight.

I looked at a few different diets. The Dukan diet, some other low carb shit, started counting calories, etc. None of it appealed to me and counting calories made me cry. Seriously.

While whining to my good friend Mr. F, he mentioned that he lost 12 lbs in 2 weeks on Weight Watchers.

I joined that night.

Baby Steps

Of course, I wanted to see a 6 lbs loss in the first week, but that’s not going to happen. When I whined to Mr. F, he told me that if I want to lose 12 lbs in 2 weeks I need to do the following:  Gain 100 lbs. Then go on a diet. Dude is trying to lose and entire GeekGirl. Point taken Mr. F.

It’s been a week or so since I joined. I had some days where I completely blew my diet (I’m learning that I eat way too many carbs and oh my holy shit is wine a waste of my points. That shit is gone! Alcohol problem solved. Because I’m vain.)

I’m really just now getting into the whole swing of things. I’m learning what to eat and when. My diet really has not changed too much except that I now measure everything I eat. Who knew a serving of rice was so freaking small? Or that butter was that much of a waste of points?

My first week and I’ve lost 2 lbs.

Not as impressive as most people, but as Mr. F and my mom (she’s a lifetime member) pointed out I don’t have that much to lose. If I dropped 5 lbs the first week it would be a bit concerning.

TLDR Version

I finally saw how fat I really am and am ignoring those that say the weight looks good on me. It does not.

I joined Weight Watchers because I had no idea how to drop weight.

Question for you: Have you ever had “that” moment? It doesn’t have to be about weight. It can be about anything. Your drinking, dietary habits, that horrible hair color that you thought you were pulling off but clearly weren’t and no one wanted to tell you?

As everyone that reads my blog knows, I LOVE to drink. My favorite beverage is the nectar for all 30-something women. Wine. Oh, how I love wine. Even more than wine, I love the shit out of gin. Good gin. Not that cheap shit that bums drink. Give me Hendricks with a good tonic and cucumber and I’m happy as can be.

I stopped drinking gin except for on the rarest occasion since it makes me mean in large quantities and the hangover was just ridiculous. For my everyday drinking I stuck with wine. Usually a pinot grigio. By the box.

Over the past few years my drinking has increased. It went from a couple of nights a week (if that) to every single night. We’re not talking a bottle’s worth. Usually 2-3 glasses on average. Some nights more. This was fine at first. I was still able to get up and go about my day. Run, get to work, all that good stuff.

As time went on – and let’s face it, as I got older – hangovers started showing up. It became harder and harder to get out of bed the next morning. Entire evenings were forgotten. For what? To sit in my house drinking wine with my dog? (Gio was an awesome drinking partner, btw.)

That is not the way to live life. Not the way I want to live my life. I have things to do, people to see, and places to go.

Or so I thought…

The past couple of months I’ve actually been putting forth some effort in curbing my drinking. While I don’t know if I need to never drink again/can’t really face that possibility right now I have been cutting down a bunch. I’m sober more nights than I am drinking. Good right?

But… it’s so fucking boring and lonely. Instead of drinking with my pup (she likes a good gin martini) I’m basically sitting here doing absolutely nothing. I’m waiting for it to get late enough so I can go to bed. I’m sad and angry. Why? Because I want a glass of wine. Duh.

It’s weird. I have a ton of shit to do here in the apartment. I have books to read, video games to play, guitars and flutes to practice, a new puppy to play with, a full gym (up the street, of course), a dirty apartment that could be cleaned, etc. Instead I just sit on my couch and wish I was drinking. Period.

Well, last night I was bored and got up and went to the gym. I enjoyed it. Then I came home and cooked a real dinner, did some reading, then watched some crap on Netflix. (It was bad.) This is kind of what I did every night while drinking, except that this morning I remember what I watched and actually got in a workout.

Not to shabby. Is this what normal people that aren’t lushes do in the evening?

So, there it is. You now know my biggest secret.

I am GeekGirl. I just might be an alcoholic. Judge accordingly.

(Note: I feel like 100 lbs. just lifted off my shoulders!)

One of the things that I’m working on is creating obtainable goals for myself. I think I did that with my goals for this month. I’m a bit behind on them, but they’re still doable. AND if I don’t do them it’s not the end of the world. NY is up in the air since my running is not where I want to be. I’m ok with that. I’ll run as I feel and see where that leaves me in November. Maybe I’ll do 5k’s. Maybe I’ll do some 10k’s. At this point in my life, I just flat out don’t know and getting myself healthy both mentally and physically is far more important than beating myself up over running. While I know exercise is one of the main things that will pull me out of my funk, I can’t let it be one of the things that keeps me IN my funk by constantly berating myself when I don’t get out there. With that said, I need to understand that 30 minutes of running is better than 0 minutes of running. Maybe I did get up late/feel tired/only have 20 minutes. That little bit is better than nothing and I ALWAYS feel better after a run than when I skip one. (Note: I use the word run, because that’s what I prefer but maybe I lift or ride my bike instead.)

It’s weird not knowing what I’m doing next. I have always had a plan and feel like I’m always trying to reach for the next level. That might be the next race, the next degree, the next step in my life, etc. Oddly, because of this I feel like I’m failing all the way around.

Maybe, it’s time for me to start living in the present instead of the future or dwelling on the past. (I should have run, I should have eaten better, I should have made better grades. You get the idea.) I can’t change the past and I can lay down the foundations for the future, but they are still not guaranteed.

Just thinking out loud here. I promise I won’t become some navel-gazing enlightenment seeking asshole. (Though I might take up meditating, again. I miss my Buddhist studies and practices. If I do I’ll keep it to myself. That’s a GeekGirl promise!)

Do you feel like you’re always chasing goals or dwelling in the past? What do you do to remedy that, if anything? I think goals are a great thing. However, sometimes you need to put the RIDICULOUS goals aside and work on smaller things. Also, sometimes your goals need to be readjusted so you may work on other things.

Remember when I used to post goals for each month and would actually review them and stuff? Yeah. Me neither, but I totally used to do that. Then I fell into a funk and never made it through any of my goals. That sucked so I stopped trying. Well, now that I understand it’s ok to shoot for obtainable goals, I want to start posting them again. Hopefully, I’ll remember to do a follow-up post at the end of the month.

Here’s what I’m looking forward to doing this month:

1. Fill out paperwork for my graduation – I’m late on this. My classes are done, but because I’m an asshole I didn’t fill out my paperwork. Yes. My mom is mad at me.
2. No new debt – That’s pretty self explanatory. I’ve been on a spending spree, and it needs to stop. NO NEW DEBT…unless it’s to pay for random doctor visits. I’m trying to budget for those, though.
3. Stay on top of all health stuff – This means making all appointments and actually going to them. This will be hard.
4. Make $100 extra – Not sure how I’m going to do this. Sale books or something. I need to increase my income.
5. Get rid of shelves in bedroom and take tv/other random shit to charity or at least out of my house – I’ve been cleaning like crazy, but all of the stuff is sitting around. It all has to go.
6. Try one new thing – This can be anything. I suppose it’s already done actually since I start swim lessons on Saturday.
7. Run at least 4 times a week – This will be hard since I’m not loving running right now. (Though, I had an awesome 2 mile run this morning. I never thought I’d see the day when I would run only 2 miles, but here it is.)
8. Load dishwasher and make bed everyday – I’m almost embarrassed to admit that I don’t do this. When I do the entire apartment look so much better.
9. Lose 5 lbs. – This should be easy if I’m running 4 times a week.
10. Take a photo a week. – I’d like to do a photo a day, but I don’t see that happening. Once a week seems doable, no?

Some of these are totally silly. Many of them are easily obtainable. All of them will show forward progression which is a wonderful thing when you feel stifled.

Do you have any goals for the month? What are they?