The Adventures of GeekGirl

Long time no see internet peeps. I’ve been super busy. I have 1 final and 1 paper to turn in and then I am a college graduate. It’s about damn time, right? I feel like I’ve been in school forever.

I’ve decided to spice up my life a bit, so I joined an online dating site. Honestly, these places make me weep for society. There is a steady flow of the dumb, uneducated, ugly, delusional, and just plain boring on this site. I’m not sure if it’s due to my age or what, but surely men don’t suck this much.

Anyway, for your entertainment we’re going to analyze a few randomly picked profiles periodically.

Up first, Domingo Cash:

Description of Photos: Well, he’s posing with what appears to be a Honda Civic that has been fit with custom butterfly doors. Something like this:

Except not a freaking Lambo but an old Honda. (GeekGirl’s first thought: Wow who gives a shit?!?!?! Second thought upon seeing a picture of his face: I see why he went with the crappy custom Honda. Yikes.)

His story: 

I am simply here to have fun… I don’t mean to sound full of myself, but I am an above avg male… I am a Veteran and currently am deep into a MMA lifestyle… I bartend to make extra cash… As well as photography… I am currently trying to put together a website and image consulting business from scratch… I do personal training and diet as well, so there are many elements I have to put together.. Yes it is more Adult Oriented… I am heavily tattooed… But every script has a story… I live a vivid life… I am brains and Braun… But mostly… I am fun… I want to make you laugh AND lose your breathe… I’m up for the challenge… Are You…

(Emphasis mine, of course.) First and foremost those that are into the MMA lifestyle are douchebags. The whole scene is just no fucking good. Also, I get the idea that he doesn’t really have a job. He bartends and does some other things, but none of them appear to be real jobs. A matter of fact, I’m going to say I think he wants to be a porn star or some shit since he felt it necessary to toss in the fact that it’s all adult in nature.

Now, the funniest part about his “My Story” section is that he thinks he’s both brains and brawn (Spelled wrong, of course),  yet hasn’t discovered proper punctuation. What is the deal with using the ellipses to punctuate with? Is this a thing? How did I miss this trend? Was this taught in Internet Dating Profiles 101 and I missed that day?

I also find it laughable that he is into MMA and thinks he’s a personal trainer but smokes.  And somehow thinks he’s better than the average male? Ok, douchebag!

Let’s see what he wants in his perfect match:

A man-eater// a Cougar// someone with alot of passion and laughter to give… Someone who NEEDS me to come over and cuddle with them… Even if just to watch a movie together…

Why the hell would I NEED him to come over and cuddle? I just don’t get that. A Cougar? Do Cougar’s want a guy that is 35 years old, ugly in the face, possibly an undercover-fat guy, and drives overly customized mediocre cars? Hmmm….I know when I’m a cougar I won’t want him.

Grade: F – Definite douchebag with nothing to offer except a super shitty Honda Civic. I bet it has one of those shitty loud mufflers to make it SOUND fast, but isn’t even a stick. Pass.

Up next: We figure out what “Good Moral Values” are. I’m pretty sure it’s code for “Love Jesus”. While I loved a guy named Jesus, I’m sure those guys wouldn’t want me. Though it might be fun anyway.

So, I’m still hanging out on a certain dating site. At this point, I don’t really care about the dating. I’m far to busy to do that. Now I’m just there to hang out in the forums and to generally harrass people. If someone interesting pops up? Great.

I get completely ridiculous emails/IM’s at times. I answer most of them just for the heck of it. Here’s just a sample of a couple of emails from yesterday:

Too Dumb For Words
Background: This is an email from a 47 year old guy that appears to be a trashman. And is a “strong black man”. (I can’t stand that shit!)
HIM: Besides being happy, you look amazing beautiful…. smiles…
GeekGirl: Thank you.
HIM: So how is your day going ? and what lucky man is having you for Valinetimes ?
GG: My day is going quite well. However, I don’t do Valentines Day. Nor does any man ever “have” me.
HIM: And why is that ? are they cheap ? are they lacking in spiritual love, or was it just a sex thing with them.. I dont understand right now, I atleast call my friends and wish them whatever event it maybe special to them,, I know, I’m different. right ? Well im in need of a special person that i can do that for again, someone who appriciates a caring man, A person that loves to smile, have fun and let her hair down when she feels ready, A long long lasting relationship.. Who is this lady (READACTED) ? You look and sound in your messages very nice and concerned..Can you take me away from this boaring, dull life ? And may i attemp to sweep you off your feet ? If iterested please call [redacted].. And no, I never met anyone on line !! Charles…. MUWAAH…
GG: No.
HIM: No to which one….
GG: No across the board. I don’t celebrate Valentines Day. It’s a superfluous holiday. And, no I’m not interested in taking you away from your “boaring” dull life. If you don’t want a “boaring” life stop hanging out with boars!

Good luck in your search!

====

WTF?!?!

HIM: hi there..
what a lovely profile you have ….and i hope am not hurting any gentleman contacting you….its Donald and i must say am a lil attracted to you..pls do reply
cheers…!!

GG: What does your second sentence mean? “and i hope am not hurting any gentleman contacting you”

I would love to reply, but that makes no sense.

HIM: YES BOSS…
WELL LOOKING AT HOW CUTE YOU ARE IN THIS PICS,ITS GOING TO BE VERY HARD TO BELIEVE A BEAUTY LIKE YOU WILL BE ON A DATE WEBSITE,SO I WANTED TO KNOW IF IT WILL BE COOL TO TALK TO YOU WITHOUT YOUR MAN BEEN HURT…DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR…THANK YOU FOR EVEN WRITTING

GG: I see….Why are you shouting at me?

HIM: Do you care for a chat?..i love your ego
[redacted]

GG: Not really. I don’t like to talk to men that assume I’m a liar right from the start.

Obviously those 2 guys never wrote me back.

As stated earlier, I think it might be time for me to take a break from online dating. I really don’t have the time to put the amount of energy that is necessary into it. More importantly, I’ve become an even more jaded bitch in the process. I truly feel like I’m reading the same profile over and over again. They all go something like this:

I’m just a simple guy that wants a down to earth girl. I hate drama and do not like playing games. I love going out and staying in. I like to have fun. I like ALL music. I like candlelight dinners unless there’s been a hurricane and we have no power and walks on the beach. Blah blah blah.

When I’m reading these profiles, I honestly am thinking, “Who gives a shit?” You’ve told me nothing about you and no one really does candlelight dinners unless there’s been a hurricane and we have no electricity. That’s probably the lamest thing ever.

Well, I obtained my very own Super Awesome Guy Decoder ring. (You can find anything on the internets!) I now have the power to take guy speak and tell you what they are really trying to say. So, let’s get started. Our first one that we’re going to tackle is this whole down-to-earth thing. WTF does that even mean?

The dictionary definition is as follows:

Down-to-earth (adj)
(1) Realistic; sensible.
(2) Not pretentious or affected; straightforward.

Fair enough. However, my Super Awesome Guy Decoder tells me something different. It tells me that it means the guy is broke. Yep. Broke. Furthermore, he’s usually not really going to stop being broke for a while. That’s why he’s so down-to-earth. If you’re a woman going out with this “down-to-earth” guy, that means that you need to shut it and not expect much from this dude. He’s not reaching for the stars and doesn’t keep his head in the clouds. They usually want someone that is very realistic. Which is fine. However, their reality is that they’re broke/not ambitious/and possibly dumb. They’re also usually not down with higher education and you’ll find that they don’t read a lot.

When a guy says that he wants a woman that is down to earth he wants her to be “low maintenance” (whatever the fuck that means) and not ask him for anything. If you dare dream of having a better job, nicer house, or traveling the world this is not the guy. He wants you to be happy with what you got and keep your mouth closed while he takes you to an extra special dinner at Denny’s. He also wants you to not throw around any of that book learning that you got and forget about going to the museum to see that new exhibit. You’re down-to-earth. Like Sarah Palin. She’s smart, but down with Joe Sixpack. (Excuse me while I go barf!)

So, in summary, down-to-earth means that he wants someone that is happy with what he has and doesn’t dream. That way he won’t be nagged for being a loser. He isn’t too educated or at least doesn’t show it, and would never do “stuck up” things. Like go to a play or head to the museum. Got it.

This doesn’t fit me because I am truly reaching for the stars and LOVE having my head in the clouds. I’m uber pretentious and love it. Did you know that my iMac is judging you right now? I’m also a music snob.

Bonus: I ran across this profile this morning. It made my head explode and almost sent me back to bed. I figured you guys needed a good laugh this morning:

working sports movies traveling etc. getting me focus back on the true thing in life . friendship family etc. a person that want to have kids . someone that want to share a life with . person: : : i like time off to must work need right person to sheare life with . so i can have a new life with ilike 50-90 music hate rap like all other music .looking for a nice jewish or whatever religion i dont pactice fate . 28-40 year old single woman that want a family of they own

Seriously. Also, he looks the way he writes.