All righty. I’m at the point where I just flat out can’t take it anymore. Men, listen to me. All I read about is how women in online dating won’t go out with any of you and you’re not getting laid. Then you go into a rant about “those bitches”. Let me tell you something, if you’re not having any luck online it’s your own damn fault.
Please, for the fuck of shit, stop doing the following:
1. Writing complete gibberish in your profiles. Do you really think the intelligent, cute, women you’re all looking for will respond to this:
hey there women i here look for a real girl that i can share the rest of my live with ,and that can be true not to only me but to my two kids
How about this one:
IM FROM DETROIT MICHIGAN,I MOVED HERE NOV 2008,I LOVE THE WEATHER AND FLORIDA ATMOSPHERE I WANTS TO MEET A VERY BEAUTIFUL AND FUN WOMAN,IM A GENTELMAN 24/7 I LIKE TO WORK AND I LIKE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME,I DONT HAVE ANY CHILDEN BUT I DO WANT SOME,I DONT LIKE BEING SINGLE IT IS VERY BORING SOO..LET ME NO WHAT U THINK OF ME 1.IM A SALES MANAGER I WORK HARD AND LIKE TO PLAY HARDER,I LOVE TO WORKOUT AT LEASE 5 DAYS A WEEK,I LOVE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME AND BE AROUND,GOOD PEOPLE 2,THINGS I LOVE,BEACH,TRAVEL,PARTY,DO NEW THINGS,SNORKEL,WORK ECT
This person claims to have a grad degree. And he writes like this? I don’t think so. Also, why the hell are you shouting at me? DELETE
2. No random shirtless pics…or worse speedos. All right. I’ll admit I’m a sucker for abs and a nice chest. BUT there is something so off putting about a man that has 10 pictures of himself posing in a mirror with his shirt pulled up. If you want to slip in a shirtless pic, make sure you’re at the beach, pool, or somewhere that it’s appropriate to be shirtless. Otherwise, STOP IT. And…the guy that has 12 pictures of himself in nothing but a Speedo: NO! That is not ok. I don’t care how fucking fit you are.
3. Stop with the freaking cliches. I refuse to believe that all men in South Florida like long walks on the beach. I live on the beach. I do not see all of you on the beach. Actually, I rarely see couples walking all romantical on the beach. Running? Yes. Walking in a fitnessy type way? Of course. Swimming, hanging out, drinking, diving, etc? All the time, but I rarely see people gazing into each others eyes while walking on the beach.
A few more cliches that need to stop before I pull out my hair:
- Down to earth: This makes me think your ass is broke.
- Candle light dinners: The only time I eat by candle light is after a hurricane. And guess what? It sucks.
- Likes to have fun: Really? I hate fun.
- Open-minded: Is this code for wants a threesome?
- No drama: I have no idea what this even means.
- Laid back: These people are always assholes.
- Doesn’t play games: I LOVE Scrabble and Uno is the shit!
4. Actually say something in your email. When I get the usual email that just says hi, hello, what’s up sexy, etc. I automatically delete them. If you can’t bother to write a couple of sentences why should I bother replying? Simple as that. I’ve filled out my profile. There is plenty to ask me about on there. Try doing that. 9/10 if you ask me a question, I will reply. You might not like that reply, but whatever.
5. Stop posting pictures of yourself with a car/motorcycle/fish. These are worse than the shirtless pics. It’s like we’re supposed to drop our panties because you’re posing in front of a mediocre BMW. Yawn. I suppose the motorcycle pic is to make you look tough? Interesting? I have no idea. All I know is that I NEVER reply to guys on motorcycles. They almost always are wearing Ed Hardy and likely reek of Axe body spray.
The fish pics? Ok. We live in South Florida. Fishing is not that interesting or anything. It’s also not hard, so seeing you with a fish causes my eyes to go crossed. Then I delete your email.
I lied. I have another one:
Stop putting up pictures of you with your boys. Unless they’re hot, the first thing I think is, “If I go out with this guy, I’ll have to hang out with those douchebags.”